a day of work...

i think i have passed the darkest stage of my depression. i feel much better now. yesterday i spent the whole day at home, helping my bf's uncle to translate english power point slides and script into chinese. i was asked to do this favour for his uncle on saturday night and it was urgent as he is flying off to china today. the entire translation took much longer than i have expected. altogether i spent more than 10hrs in front of my laptop and didnt have lunch or dinner until 9:30pm last night. it was kind of frustrating and stressful for me towards the later part because my hand was aching and i didnt have much time left but the work seems like never ending. also because it was a favour, i wasn't expecting anything in return. however, his uncle gave me some money and apologised to me when he came to collect the work. this is the first time in my life that i work for someone and get paid. i was worn out but glad.

i have a thought yesterday: i wish i can shut off my life the way i shut off tv.

depression...

i have been feeling down since school start. i know there are many people out there who love me. but they are either too far away or too busy for me to reach. nobody can accompany me everyday. i have to work things out myself anyway. i am getting less patient nowadays. it's not like i have any place to go. i am alone.

the extent of my depression today:
walking seems like a chore. i drag my feet where ever i go.
every time after i part with my friends and board the bus, i will feel sad and feel like crying.
i feel like there is no where i can go. i am not used to spend time alone anymore. i can only go home and sleep my sadness and loneliness away.

i feel maybe soon, i will feel breathing seems like a chore too. then maybe some time after that, i will feel looking at this world seems like a chore as well. maybe one day i will just lie down on my bed, stop breathing and close my eyes. i wont die. i will still be alive.