spring cleaning?

i have just spent about 16~17 hours to rearrange my bedroom and tidy it up. it's worth the effort. i feel satisfied. it has been a super long time since i last rearrange and tidy up my entire bedroom. i used to do that once in a while when i was in primary and secondary school. but i have never do it since secondary three. i think it has been for about eight years already.

recently i watched cape no. 7 and the sky crawlers. both are nice. i especially like the message in the sky crawlers:

But today is different from yesterday
And tomorrow is different from today
You can change the side of the road that you walk down every day.
Even if the road is the same, you can still see new things.

to someone: pls leave me alone...

my first birthday gift this year...

this morning i received my birthday gift from my brother. i hv asked him for a pool cue, a jump break cue n a cue case for my birthday. n he said that he will go n buy for me, furnish the cues then send it over. he sent the package via air mail. i can see that he had spent time choosing a nice playing n a jump break cue n the cue case for me. he also left me a note on the package, describing the things he put inside the cue case for me n asked me not to neglect my studies. i really miss my brother. i love him alot n i know he loves me alot too.

wish list only for the girls to see 2

so far i can only think of this. coz i move house a lot so there aint many things that i want...
actually i like this better, but i think it is out of the budget... :)

wish list only for the girls to see...

the first thing that came into my mind is: NANA's Best CD from the japanese anime, "NANA"!

sorry... i hvnt think of any others yet...

(on the second thought, i can ask my friend to help me buy from japan. so, nah... i will update my blog again tmr).

today is the day when i break my heart

i just want to note down today. coz today is the day i break my heart. my little prince has his heart filled with somebody else.

reflections

these few days i encountered two events, which make me ponder if i have ever done the same things to others. the way they treated me has made me upset. have i done the same to anyone before? have i ever had the same mentality as these people? even though im upset by these events, im glad that they gave me an opportunity to reflect upon myself.

a day of work...

i think i have passed the darkest stage of my depression. i feel much better now. yesterday i spent the whole day at home, helping my bf's uncle to translate english power point slides and script into chinese. i was asked to do this favour for his uncle on saturday night and it was urgent as he is flying off to china today. the entire translation took much longer than i have expected. altogether i spent more than 10hrs in front of my laptop and didnt have lunch or dinner until 9:30pm last night. it was kind of frustrating and stressful for me towards the later part because my hand was aching and i didnt have much time left but the work seems like never ending. also because it was a favour, i wasn't expecting anything in return. however, his uncle gave me some money and apologised to me when he came to collect the work. this is the first time in my life that i work for someone and get paid. i was worn out but glad.

i have a thought yesterday: i wish i can shut off my life the way i shut off tv.

depression...

i have been feeling down since school start. i know there are many people out there who love me. but they are either too far away or too busy for me to reach. nobody can accompany me everyday. i have to work things out myself anyway. i am getting less patient nowadays. it's not like i have any place to go. i am alone.

the extent of my depression today:
walking seems like a chore. i drag my feet where ever i go.
every time after i part with my friends and board the bus, i will feel sad and feel like crying.
i feel like there is no where i can go. i am not used to spend time alone anymore. i can only go home and sleep my sadness and loneliness away.

i feel maybe soon, i will feel breathing seems like a chore too. then maybe some time after that, i will feel looking at this world seems like a chore as well. maybe one day i will just lie down on my bed, stop breathing and close my eyes. i wont die. i will still be alive.

school start...

i feel restless again. the peacefulness has disappeared from my life. i want to go somewhere. maybe beach. i want to go somewhere and let my heart settle down. but i know no matter where i go, it will just be the same. coz even if i feel better, it will only last for a while. these few days i can't keep quiet when i am with my friends. actually one of my wishes is to be able to sit down somewhere quietly and peacefully with my best friend/s. but i can't. since long long time ago, my heart has lost its peace. sometimes i heard a little voice inside me crying out: help. i don't know help what. i hope my mind can think clearer soon. school just started. maybe that's why. i panic.